K. I've been wanting to write it, get it out, for a while. Finally feeling like I'm getting a bit more perspective on this whole deployment thing. I've been mad, really mad. No, not at the birth, or right after. But when Y and I had to leave the hospital. For some reason that moment pissed me off more than any. Who knows why? Maybe prior I was distracted by my hopes of birth and what was happening, maybe it was like after an injury and the adrenaline stops, shock starts. But, yeah, that point I was mad as hell. Sorry, Mom. And then I was sad, depressingly sad. Throughout the holidays, our anniversary, getting over the hump of six weeks of postpartum. But, I faced that, went and saw a professional, and now I'm good. And there was the physical breakdown. When my body just said enough already, you have to much on your plate, and took a break. Literally. I lost conciousness for a bit, maybe two minutes, but it was my body saying that it had enough. And then the parenting let downs. When I've screamed a bit too loud, a bit too long, and then I feel like the worst Mom in the world. And I apologize. After it all, I can then have a day like today. A perfect day. A day where Y sleeps on me for nap, smiling every few minutes when I just know he is having a wonderful dream. And play with Reed and Hayes in the pool as I havent in too long. Being silly, having the best of times, without a care in the world. And walking home on the beach with them. Knowing Y is cuddled up with Dad, in possibly his favorite spot-my Dad's calm arms, while I can explore a sea jelly through the eyes of a five year old, or dig shells like a two year old (but so close to three). So, yeah, I know we'll be alright, the five of us, when we're reunited. And when I look out across the ocean and am deep in my thoughts I realize that I'm not the one missing a thing.
With that, enjoy our incredible family, that's enough typing and opening of my heart for one night:).